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The Toltec Legacy The Institute for the Study of Man Toltec Foundation


Volume III

In this volume which consists of three parts, Théun explores the keys to finding happiness within all relationships, as well as the secrets of gender.

Part One

You can do far more than just make your relationships work - discover the amazing skills for turning any relationship into an uplifting experience of joy and fun!

Part Two

How to unlock the powerful secrets of male creativity and sexuality in order to experience greater joy and fulfilment. A message of hope and guidebook for all men.

Part Three

A journey of mystery and discovery, enabling a woman to find deep, enduring fulfilment as a true female in today's ultra-competitive, asexual world.

ISBN 0-958-4675-3-6

This book was first published in 1999 as three separate books, entitled This Darned Elusive Happiness, The Quest for Maleness and Unveil the Mysteries of the Female.




Preface to Part One 11


Chapter 1 - Relating to Life 18

What is life? 21

Chapter 2 - The Journey of Adjustment & The 4 Terms of Captain Life 24

Chapter 3 - Term 1

Becoming Aware of Another's State of Being 27

Using fear 32

Developing respect 37

The differences between male & female 42

Using your own knowledge 46

Feelings & Emotions are not the same 50

What is true love? 54

Understanding mirrors 59

The world is filled with mothers & little boys 63

Chapter 4 - Term 2

Changing Your Self-image 68

Achieving Harmony through conflict 73

Whilst man & woman relate to gender, the terms male & female relate to specific states of awareness 80

The role of the hunter 84

The rules of intelligent co-operation 89

Using conflict to uncover new knowledge 96

Chapter 5 - Term 3

Your Shortcomings are Your Ticket to Freedom 108

Working consciously with mirrors 112

The art of listening 120

The secret of unconditional love 128

Compromise versus sacrifice 133

Chapter 6 - Term 4

Give Yourself Time 138

Chapter 7

The Rules for Playing the Game of Relationships 140

Chapter 8

The Password for Life and for Happiness 148

Preface to Part Two 155


SECTION 1 : The Mystery of Gender

Chapter 9 - Entering the World of the Male 164

Chapter 10 - Getting to Grips with your Potential 171

Chapter 11 - The Origin of Gender 175

Chapter 12 - The Dual Nature of the Female 188

Chapter 13 - Separating Myth from Reality 191

SECTION 2 : The Nine Myths for the Male

Chapter 14 - Myth One - Men don't Cry 196

Chapter 15 - Myth Two - Men are Aggressive 218

Chapter 16 - Myth Three - Men must be Educated 228

Chapter 17 - Myth Four - Men must Think 237

Chapter 18 - Myth Five - Men Smoke and Drink 246

Chapter 19 - Myth Six - Men are Strong 261

Chapter 20 - Myth Seven - Men must be Successful 277

Chapter 21 - Myth Eight - Men should be Married 288

Chapter 22 - Myth Nine - Men are Sexual Studs 296

SECTION 3 : Getting to Know Yourself as a Male

Chapter 23 - Role Models 320

Chapter 24 - The Over-dominant Mother 324

Chapter 25 - The Weak Father 331

Chapter 26 - Hunting for Power 336

Chapter 27 - The Male Perspective on Relationships 347

Chapter 28 - The Male Pledge 359

Chapter 29 - Competition 369

Chapter 30 - The Journey Ahead as a Male 374

Preface to Part Three 379


SECTION 1 : The Mystery of Gender

Chapter 31 - Entering the World of the Female 388

Chapter 32 - Getting to Grips with your Potential 391

Chapter 33 - The Origin of Gender 395

Chapter 34 - The Dual Nature of the Female 407

Chapter 35 - Separating Myth from Reality 410

SECTION 2 : The Nine Myths for the Female

Chapter 36 - Myth One - Women are Weak 414

Chapter 37 - Myth Two - Women are Defenceless 431

Chapter 38 - Myth Three - Women must be Subservient 438

Chapter 39 - Myth Four - Women don't Think 452

Chapter 40 - Myth Five - Women do not Smoke or Drink 459

Chapter 41 - Myth Six - Women are Gentle 471

Chapter 42 - Myth Seven - Women should not Work 481

Chapter 43 - Myth Eight - Women should be Married 491

Chapter 44 - Myth Nine - Women are Sex Objects 497

SECTION 3 : Getting to Know Yourself as a Female

Chapter 45 - Role Models 512

Chapter 46 - The Over-Dominant Mother 516

Chapter 47 - The Weak Father 521

Chapter 48 - Hunting for Power 524

Chapter 49 - The Female Perspective on Relationships 534

Chapter 50 - The Female Pledge 541

Chapter 51 - Females and Adaptability 555

Chapter 52 - The Journey Ahead as a Female 564

Illustration Credits 568

Index 569


I originally wrote the material contained in this volume as three separate books entitled, This Darned Elusive Happiness, The Quest for Maleness and Unveil the Mysteries of the Female respectively. These three books together formed what was known as the Second Series, a less technical series that was meant to complement the First Series being written by me on the Toltec teachings. However, for various practical reasons it was later decided that it is altogether more convenient and less confusing to the reader to include these three books into the First Series, but because of the nature of the material imparted in these three books this is best accomplished by presenting them as one volume in three parts.

The concepts covered in this book are of prime importance to the serious student of the Toltec teachings, for the material imparted here serves to elucidate and expand upon certain aspects of the teachings that are of fundamental importance to a comprehensive grasp of the Toltec teachings as a whole. However, because of their highly specialized nature, these aspects of the teachings could only be dealt with in a very broad all-encompassing and somewhat technical manner in the two volumes preceding this one, as well as the two succeeding it, so as not to inundate the reader of those volumes with a level of detail that would have been utterly confusing in terms of the already technical nature of the material imparted in those volumes. I would therefore like to re-iterate that the material contained within this particular volume is a much more detailed version of certain complex concepts covered in the two volumes preceding this one, and also in the highly technical volumes succeeding it, that both complements and augments their technical counterparts contained within those books.

With respect to what I have explained above it will also benefit the reader of this volume greatly if at this point I mention the different approaches I have taken in writing the three parts of this volume, for each approach has been chosen so as to assist in imparting to the reader the mood, or more precisely, the feeling, engendered in essence by each of these parts, by virtue of the nature of the material contained within them. Therefore to highlight these different feelings does much towards immediately putting the reader in touch with how best to approach the various concepts covered in each of these parts.

In Part One, dealing with relationships in general, irrespective of gender, my approach has been to put the reader back in touch with what it means to have genuine fun. The implications within this approach are far more poignant than such an approach may appear to indicate at first glance, but if there is one thing in common between men and women, then it lies in the fact that we have all been taught since infancy to look upon life as a most serious affair, with the result that very few of us have ever learned to laugh at our never-ending folly as human beings. So instead of looking upon life as a fun-filled adventure, men and women alike set about striving to find and experience that elusive happiness which is meant to bring them lasting joy, all too often with a grim determination that is the very antithesis of happiness, and a lack of humour that defies the very meaning of any sense of joy.

Consequently I made the decision to take a fun approach, with the result that technicalities in this part of the book are either ignored or else brushed over, for as we all know, fun is dependent upon feeling, rather than juggling intellectual concepts. Furthermore, I have placed the accent throughout Part One, not on those huge boulders which are clear for everyone to see, but on those tiny irritating little pebbles which cause most of us to stumble and fall, simply because, being so apparently insignificant, we did not even see them to start with. In this respect, think for a moment; how many times a day do you have a car accident? But how many times a day do you have an "accident" with another person by inadvertently putting your foot in it and then, by trying to extricate yourself, you only seem to dig yourself in deeper?

Looking at the above from another perspective, Part One is all about that concept known as Shifting the Focus. The implications within this fundamental concept are best explained in the following aphorism:


This is a concept of vital importance, for few people ever come to realize that much of their unhappiness within life is caused by a conscious choice - the choice to hold onto the idea that our happiness is dependent upon circumstances and conditions beyond our control. And yet, as will be made clear in this part of this volume, it is perfectly within the scope and the abilities of each of us to change our lives into whatever we would like our lives to be.

Part Two and Part Three of this volume are both gender specific, and therefore my approach to both of these has been to adopt an approach which suits the topic of gender. However, as I am male the approach I am taking in Part Two is that of a male addressing males, whereas in Part Three it is that of a male addressing females. Having made this much clear I would now like to convey in this introduction, as with Part One, the feeling inherent within each of these two parts. I will do so by first addressing the male readers of this book on the concepts covered in Part Two, and then the female readers on the concepts covered in Part Three.

Gentlemen, when I look around in the world today, it is with a deep sense of anguish that I still hear echoing in my ears the haunting words of a female friend who asked, "Where have all the heroes gone?" Yes! Indeed! What has happened to them all? No longer do men stand tall and proud in their masculinity. No longer are there bards who sing the honour of hero-saviours. The bards are gone because the hero-saviours are gone, and the ballads too are gone because the honour which men once carried with pride is also gone. But the deepest anguish of all comes from knowing that when the last of the bards died, so too did beauty. And when the last of the hero-saviours died, so too did hope. Without beauty and without hope, what is left? Nothing! Only a cold sterile world of crime and violence, of ugliness, injustice and despair, and a sickening sense of hopelessness that breeds a debilitating apathy.

Are there then, no heroes left? Are there no men left on this earth who can step forward to save the world from the greatest catastrophe that has ever befallen the human race? Are all men today so completely emasculated that they have become nothing more than semen donors, with some doing drugs in a futile effort to numb their minds and feelings to the pain of that emasculation? Are there no men left who are at least willing to try? I know of no heroes still walking this earth, and I know of no saviours either. But I guess, in considering everything, that if I do not like what I see, then there is still me. Although I do not feel like much of a hero, I nevertheless am willing to try. And although I do not know too much about being a saviour, I am willing to learn. But I realise that I do not know where to go, and from whom I will be able to learn what it is to be a hero-saviour.

Yet I also know that if I do not know where to go, then "here" must be as good a place as any other; and if I do not know when I will find my way, then "now" must be the right time; and if I do not know from whom to learn, then I must teach myself. So, what do I have that I can offer you right now, right here? In the greater scheme of things, I guess not much. In fact, perhaps not much at all! But I am willing to share with you as much as I can of the things I have learned upon my own quest for maleness. If, through my sharing, I am able to inspire in you a sense of what it is to be a true male, then that shall be my reward. If I can instil in you at least some sense of the beauty I have encountered upon my journey, then that shall be my joy. If I can impress upon you even just a little of the hope I have discovered along the way, then that shall be my honour. And if I can share with you my belief in the spirit of man, then I shall look upon that as having been the real purpose of this book.

But, gentlemen, I do not wish you to labour under a false impression! It is not fanfares, white stallions, billowing capes and swords I am pursuing. Instead I am in search of the impeccable honour, the quiet dignity, the unwavering hope and the tenacious courage that is implied within the essence of the true male. If I can share with you some of this, by sharing my knowledge with you, then within my heart of hearts I shall know that I am a true male, a hero, and a saviour, for you must understand that any man is only as good as other men make him! For example, an army general may lead his troops into battle, but unless his men respect him enough to follow him, he rides alone to his death, in his heart a hero, yes, but in the eyes of his troops and his enemy, a lonely fool!

If it is a leader you are wanting, then I am willing to show you the way. But if what I tell you here does not call forth your respect, then I guess I will be riding on alone. In relation to this, know that although I too long for that uplifting camaraderie that exists between males who share a quest, I have long ago come to the conclusion that loneliness upon the quest is preferable to remaining in a world that has become filled with ugliness and despair, and that death is strangely more enticing than a life of hopelessness and apathy. Therefore know that no sunrise finds the male where sunset left him. After this sharing I will continue upon my quest, with or without you!

In my heart of hearts I know what I seek. If you join me, I shall be en-joyed by your presence. If I go alone, then I will go alone, for you see, gentlemen, I believe that you and every other man out there are ready and capable of finding your way and of claiming your power as a true male with or without help and companionship. But if I sit around waiting for other men to join me upon my quest, I will be implying that either I do not have the courage of my conviction, or else that men in general, including you, are too weak and therefore do not yet have the wherewithal to do it on your own. However, I believe that you are ready, and that you can do it on your own! This belief is my commitment to you, and to all other men.

Ladies, by today's standards, the material contained in Part Three of this book is highly controversial and flies in the face of most of Western society's accepted norms and beliefs regarding the sexes. Consequently you are advised to consider the material in Part Three with the sort of openness of mind, even if only partial or temporary, that will enable you to achieve an approach that is unbiased and which contains three vital ingredients.

First, you must convince yourself that, by virtue of simply being alive, you are a unique person with a special task in life, and that being female is part of that uniqueness. Second, you must want to read this book because you desire to find out more about the mystery which is you; and third, you must be honest enough to accept that maybe everything you think you know about being a female could be wrong.

To express the above differently, if you think you are nothing special, and have nothing of importance to accomplish in this life, then this book is not for you. Rather give it to a friend whom you think is special and important, and try to find yourself some other book that deals with something like doormats or martyrs. Likewise, if you believe that there is nothing mysterious about you, and that you already know everything about being female, then this book is also not for you. Throw it away. This book is definitely not for people who are boring stereotypes of the heavily socially-conditioned masses.

Instead this book is for the woman who has enough self-respect and sense of adventure to want to stand out as being unique and special. The fashionable trend amongst women today, to descend to the same dishonourable mediocrity as everyone else, may well excite some, but it does nothing for the true female. Knowing in her heart of hearts that to be a true female means setting the trend, rather than following it, and dictating the fashion, rather than submitting to it, the true female looks upon the female masses with sympathy, if not with downright pity!

This book has been written for those women who are proud of being females, and who therefore wish to set their own trends and dictate their own fashions. For women such as these, to end up wearing the same dress as another woman is regrettable, but to be expected to subscribe to another woman's ideas is an unthinkable outrage! These are the females who agree amongst themselves on one issue only, namely, that to be female is a high honour and a privilege that is unique in its quality to every female. Therefore, only by disagreeing with each other can they stand together in safeguarding and preserving the uniqueness and the specialness that comprises each of them!

These are the females who cause every male to catch his breath when she walks into the room, and to shake his head in utter bewilderment when, after laughing politely at his compliments, she pats his arm reassuringly before suddenly turning her attentions to someone else in the room, be it another male eager to please, or a female rival showing her claws by straightening her hair or skirts and baring her teeth in an overly-polite greeting. Such females make every other woman wish that she had, as a girl, paid more attention to the meaning of being a woman, rather than trying to outdo the boys.

If you are really going to benefit from this book, you must have commitment - commitment to yourself, and commitment to that mystery which spells female. If you are not committed, the wrong patterns will persist, and unless you change the patterns of your behaviour, how are you ever going to change anything in your life? What will help you greatly in maintaining your commitment is to bear in mind, throughout this book, that there are rules made by men and women, and there are rules imposed upon us by fate. Most women follow only the rules of society, even if they believe themselves to be free-thinking individuals. But to adhere to fashion, or to join the ranks of those who are pushing a new and fashionable concept, is merely to subscribe to social conditioning, and therefore to follow the rules of society.

The true female, who acknowledges the fact that she is unique, and therefore special, does not subscribe to such prejudices and preconceived ideas. Having a hidden agenda all of her own, the true female pursues her own individuality and, like the Mona Lisa, smiles quietly at the na´ve attempts of feminist movements trying their damndest to deny their own femininity in the cause of femininity! Like all members of her sex, the true female can at times be highly irrational, but unlike most other women, she is most certainly never illogical!

Being a male, and therefore from a purely male perspective, I offer you, and all true females, this book as a salute to your ineffable quality of mystery - a mystery which not only enthrals and excites, but which also calls forth strongly the masculine desire to unveil that mystery. Always a paradox. Always tangible, but also, somehow, elusive and just out of reach. Always present, and yet, somehow, removed, the true female seems for ever, strangely, inexplicably, a wonderful and unfathomable mystery!

How utterly sad it is that the majority of women today are so denying their own femininity in pursuit of female liberation, that they are inadvertently trading that mystery for the fashionable concept of sexual equality. If women need to be liberated, then it is not that they need to be liberated from what it means to be a female, but rather that they need to be liberated from the popular belief that to be a female somehow means to be inferior to the male, and that it is therefore an unfortunate quirk of fate to have been born a living mystery. Perhaps this book will do at least something towards correcting that terrible lie, and towards restoring to you, the female, the acknowledgement which you so justly deserve, as well as the honour which has always been your divine birthright by virtue of the awe the female inspires in every male.

Théun Mares, Cape Town, September 2003